Reading some of my previous posts tagged under 'school'. What entertaining reading they make :) They make me miss my uni days, sort of. Doesn't mean I want to go through the whole thing again, but it does make me a little wistful. It's like looking back on a different life, like looking in the Pensieve. I guess that's where JKR got her inspiration from, the idea of memories as a form of story-telling. I realise that almost all my posts were complaining about school, about my fears and worries, and most of all (especially the later ones), about FYP. Indeed, FYP has been such a busy and hectic stage of life that threatens to crush me every single day. Yet looking back isn't it the miserable suffering that made it all the more memorable?

At this point I realise that I will no longer write any new posts tagged with 'school'. 'Work', perhaps. It's time to move on.

Chemistry Graduation Dinner 2011

The graduation dinner sort of gives a sense of finality to the whole end-of-student-life thingy. What's left is only the commencement ceremony. How fast time flies... I can still remember attending the whatsitcalled ceremony during year 1 at University Cultural Centre. So symbolic that we start at UCC and complete the circle by ending at UCC as well.

Anyway, as usual I was very last minute getting cosmetics in the afternoon. Didn't buy the curling iron in the end cos not sure how to use it anyway. Bought the hair cream (extreme right in the photo) from Watsons. There were so many creams and milks and sprays I didn't know what to choose. The one that I'd bought didn't work at all. My hair was as messy as usual :(

What I bought for the dinner

The food was not bad, I guess. The emcees were awfully lame though. The only jokes that were funny were those related to GE... The rest of the time they were just... inadequate. Awkward silences, getting the names of professors wrong and getting us to clap for the smallest things. The most memorable moments were the magic show (SUPER funny) and the performance by the professors. Prof Chan YT can play the keyboard (he claims he does not have formal training), can you believe it, and it was really charming. ;)

this is not the end, this is just the beginning

Had my last paper (CM4241) yesterday. Which marks the end of my last semester in NUS. As always, there's no sense of joy. Just tiredness. And just glad that it's over.

It feels so unreal though, that I won't be returning to NUS after 3 months of nua-ing and a horrible round of CORS bidding. Right now it just feels like the usual May break.

I wish I can say I feel truly free now, but there's always a nagging worry about finding jobs at the back of my mind.

[Sidetrack a bit, sad to change my blogskin, but the misalignment of my sidebars made worse by my inability to understand html code is seriously getting on my nerves. Hence this new simplistic look.]

Time to catch up on Glee! :)

Realised that I have gotten lazy... It's so much easier to write a random line on Facebook than to compose my thoughts here. :P

My mind is full of thoughts about my thesis. Hate it when my mom (or anyone else for that matter) ask me how's my progress, or about whether I still need to go back to lab. I'm SORT OF done with lab work, I guess, but there's nothing to be happy about. It's not because I have enough results. I don't. It's because I don't have time to carry on.

So I'm going to write a thesis that is barely different from my progress report. Which will leave the examiners wondering what I have been doing since December. Actually I've been doing a lot. Just that you can't report failed experiments.

I'm stuck and stuck on writing and I can't wait for all this horrible nightmare to be over. This semester really sucks. OM is the driest module I have ever taken. Equations after equations. Reactions after reactions that do not make sense. And the test is like, wth. But I have managed to scrap a pass, so I shall not complain.

SP3202 (okay I'm going to complain again) is terribly heavy. Had the practical exam at HTA last Friday. It was interesting, but would have been more enjoyable if the conditions weren't so harsh. Our group tio a jewellery shop, which was quite dim so it was difficult to take photos. There were many display counters so it was difficult to walk. The most INTOLERABLE part was the sweltering heat caused by the numerous spotlights. Imagine dressed in a multi-layer gown with shoe-covers and gloves that had been torn while pulling masking tapes and a paper face-mask that is falling apart due to all the sweat it has absorbed. It was HORRIBLE. I was so glad when it was over. So glad that I forgot to let the TA sign my sketch plan.

And now we still have to write a report due next week. Then there's another trace analysis presentation in week 11.Which is also when I have to submit my thesis.

...

I will make it through. Or die trying.

For the ninety-nine bad things that happen to me, hopefully once I will be lucky.

Today is that lucky day. I really can't believe I managed to do an external calibration at one go in 2 hours without having to redo the analysis, without having to rerun the calibration, without having to keep aligning the graphite tube.

But after my calculations, my joy soon turned into dread. This is my third time comparing external calibration and standard addition using chicken muscle, and my SA results are consistently half that of EC. Mind, SA is supposed to be more accurate.

My THIRD time. Could it really be that I did something wrong? Something that my mentor wasn't able to identify and thus resort to asking me to repeat and repeat?

Well, I consulted another graduate student, and it turned out that I had made a mistake in my calculations. See, I added 2g of sample solution to 2g of acid and measured the absorbance, so the actual concentration has actually been diluted by half. I can't believe he made me repeat the experiments for nothing!

But oh well... at least there is no major problem...

It's been such a long long time since I got good results. Heck, even reasonable results. Everything is just going haywire now. I feel like I'm groping in darkness, searching blindly for a way out.

It's just really depressing. Is research work all about getting results, I wonder. My mentor has gone overseas and there's no one to guide me. Is there any point in me repeating the experiments when I do not know where I've gone wrong?

Sigh.

Getting my experiments to work is like getting 道明寺 and 杉菜 to be together.一波多折。 要经历重重的考验， 才能向上天证明你的决心，然后终于感动祂成全你。

我明白人生并不是一帆风顺的，不过付出了那么多的努力却仍然没有结果，很难叫人不气馁吧。

突然想起吴宗宪的一句话：“关关难过关关过。”

Yesterday's CM4211 test wasn't too bad, I guess, considering I only started reading chapter 4 yesterday while evaporating my samples...

... which I'm still evaporating RIGHT NOW. I really don't know what temperature to heat at. I'm scared that heating at too high a temperature will cause the samples to dry out, or worse, to decompose. So I heated 5mL of solution at 60degC from 5pm yesterday to 7.30am this morning. YES, I CAME TO LAB ON A SATURDAY MORNING AND FREAKIN' WOKE UP AT 5.45AM!!! I came early cos I thought it would be overheated, but there were still about 2-3mL when I arrived. So I'm still waiting now... Dunno when I can finish. Hopefully not too late, cos the canteen closes at 1pm and I would be starving at 7pm... :(

And the western stall is closed today! I'd wanted to eat spaghetti for dinner yesterday but ate chicken rice instead because I was late meeting T_T

can't beat the lsm students

Life science students are really scary. Not to mention annoying.

Swarming around the lecturer during breaks and after lectures like a group of bees.

Don't get me wrong. It's perfectly fine if they just want to clear their own doubts. But isn't it kind of disgusting to just hang around AFTER you have asked your question and listen to other discussions and interrupt incessantly when it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS?

fuck off, bitch.

It's almost impossible to ask your own question when the students are surrounding the lecturer the way the inner shell electrons shield the nucleus. And so I stood outside LT23 for more than an hour, during which fanYP walked past and gave his trademark smirk, richardW walked by and then back again, and then Ah Fen. Super sianz, listening to them ask questions which imho are stupid. Like what are microsatellite markers. What is p=0.05 in chi-square test. Come on, read up on the basics before you go around interrupting other people.

The most maddening and unjust thing is that by the time I'd wanted to ask my question, the lecturer went 'I really need to go; I'm flying off tonight.' At which I tried my best not to roll my eyes. He could have answered everything if he could just get straight to to the point and not beat around a gigantic bush.

Sigh, whatever. The test is this Wednesday.

I finally did it.

*pats on shoulder*

After missing a very good opportunity on Tuesday, I brought the gift again today, only to find that P has left. Heard from my friend that he will come tomorrow, that's when they're going to give him the farewell card (which looks really cute by the way).

Anyway, so I went into the office just now wanting to discuss my column results with my mentor, but unfortunately he wasn't around, BUT P was! Haha! I was nervous, of course I was, but with the thought of this is now or never, I went to my bag, grabbed the present (wrapped in this hideous pink with white polka dots paper), stormed back into the office and gave it to him before I could falter.

Yup, and so I did it.

Is it because I'm shy, or is it really this heart-weakening and mind-wrecking to give a present? Makes me wonder how guys propose to girls. To stand on the edge of something so life-changing... and have to face the possibility of a rejection. Takes a lot of courage.

Can barely keep my eyes open. Once again, I reached home at 10 today, without eating dinner. It's yet another long day in lab...

And can you believe it, the AIR TANK IS EMPTY AGAIN!!! Because my lab mate has been running hundreds of samples these few days. So I can't do my flame again...

Got to keep awake. I need to send my group member my powerpoint slides by tonight. Which I only started doing last night and am currently still at introduction. Sigh.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

Many things can go wrong when you're doing your experiment. No, I don't mean accidents. I'm talking about unexpected delays. Like there may not be enough Teflon cups, not enough 15mL tubes, not enough 100mL bottles, and of course, not enough pipette tips. Like how I had to pipette 16x15mL using 1mL pipette because we're out of 5mL tips. I'd planned to do the analysis on Tuesday, but the air tank was not available and I had to wait until it arrives on Thursday.

It's so difficult to book the balance, and I had to do my weighing while my friend went for lunch (at 2pm!), or when she's transferring her digest. And I feel so paiseh for delaying her weighing when she has hundred over tubes to weigh.

And so by the time I finished diluting my solutions and re-preparing the external calibration standards for magnesium (had to reuse my calcium standards cos I'm out of nitric acid!), it was 6.50pm, and I was totally drained, hungry and thirsty. To think that I'd be starting my flame AAS at 7pm... Goodness.

I'd planned to do the analysis with my lab mate since she's analysing for magnesium as well, but then she realised that our matrices were different, so I had to wait for her to finish first. I finally started my analysis at 8.45pm, and ended at 9.50pm. Then I couldn't print the results because the printer is spoilt, so I had to save the results to my thumbdrive. I shut all the gas tanks and rushed home to have dinner at 11pm. And when I left the lab my friend was still diluting her samples... :(

And of course, after all that tiring work in the lab, I still have to analyse the data. I have a feeling this one is going to be tough. The calculations for strontium is driving me nuts. I don't know whether I made a calculation mistake; I hope I did, cos my recovery is only 40%!!!

Sounds really miserable right? But on a lighter note, I'm happy to say that for the first time in my life, I've managed to align the graphite tube by myself and had a successful run! ^_^

Dilemma

Analytical test down today. TM test on Friday.

Felt really sian while studying for the test... The prof's face keeps coming into my head and I just want to punch him. Bleh. There are 5 chapters, and the last 2 totally lost me. BUT fortunately CE on chip and lithography didn't come out in the test! Yeah! (but does that mean they'll be tested in the finals? I guess so...) I thought the test wasn't too bad... at least I don't think I'll fail.

My project group mate sat next to me during the test. Before the test he said, "Let me refer to your paper later hor", and I just smiled, cos it's not the first time I've heard this sort of comment. But I didn't expect him to actually whisper to me during the test. I don't know what he was trying to ask, because I didn't answer him. I pretended I didn't hear him. That's probably not a nice thing to do, but how could I risk talking to him with two invigilators around? Goodness...

Let's just hope he doesn't bear a grudge against  me, because we're not done with our project yet.

今天我遇到坏人了

Wish I was joking. Ha ha.

What a sucky day.

Today is The Day. The day on which I had planned to finish evaporating my sample, running it through the column and doing external calibration. I had prepared my stuff for so long, and had come to school EVERY SINGLE FREAKIN day of the recess week. I'd planned to finish everything today so I don't freakin have to go to school again.

Of course things don't go so smoothly for me.

I'd secured the booking of all the instruments I need. BUT phD student S needs to use the balance today. Even though she had booked it on Tue and Thur. So after some negotiation (like I have any choice) I agreed to let her use it in the afternoon while I'm running the column. She'd messaged me thanks, and I'd replied no problem, though in my mind I was thinking, you gave me so many problems.

The main thing is, I had booked the flame and graphite AAS in the afternoon and evening slots. Yah, I was even prepared to stay till night. BUT S started using the graphite in the afternoon, and when I asked her about it, she said her run would only end at 8pm, and suggested that I run my samples tomorrow. I gave her the okay face, but inside I was thinking WHAT THE FUCK! (Yes, I swear a lot inside) Freakin asshole, do you not understand what it means to book something? It means that person needs it. What's the point of having a booking system when you don't stick to it? I was seriously damn pissed.

So I need to go back to school tomorrow. Yah. And I'd already prepared my standards, and I need to leave them and my sample overnight, which seriously affects the accuracy of my results. If I need to redo the whole damn thing again because of that stupid bitch... it's just disgusting.

And squeezing onto crowded trains and buses did not help improve my sucky mood.

I'm really tired.

Just waiting for time to pass… Until when I can finally go home. Not that I hate it here; I’m just really really tired. Is there something wrong with me, being this tired after 6.5 hours of sleep? I don’t know.My lab techniques have always been pretty bad, and I’m terribly slow. Still am, but I think I’m slowly improving. I mean, today’s the second time I’ve done a standard addition of strontium using the graphite furnace. The readings were not good though; the graph is not linear. So I’d have to redo the experiment. This is my second attempt already. Actually when something goes wrong, I’m totally lost. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to troubleshoot. And I’m kind of worried, cos I’m still not very familiar with operating the GFAAS, especially the aligning part. These past few days LJ has been helping me to set up the instrument while I prepared the solutions. So when it’s finally time for me to do it on own…

We’ll see.

Saw Ping Sen in school today. He asked how my FYP was and commented that I look ‘憔悴’. I'd like to think that he means I've lost weight, but really I think he's just referring to the dark circles under my eyes. -_-

Anyway, here's my timetable:

	1400	1500	1600	1700	1800	1900	2000
mon	LSM1102-B	LSM1102-B	LSM1102-B	LSM1102-B
tue
wed		CM4242-T	LSM1102-L	LSM1102-L	LSM1102-T
thur
fri	CM4242-L	CM4242-L			CM4211-L	CM4211-L	CM4211-T

Any time that is not labelled means I'm in lab. So you can imagine how thrilled I am.

School has started, and it's left me feeling so drained. I'm supposed to report to the lab everyday at around 9, though I tend to reach at 9.30, and leave at 6. Guess I didn't know what I'd signed up for. Everyday seems so long... and when it's finally time to leave, I have to beat the crazy rush hour traffic to get home at about 7 plus. Where am I going to find time to do my work for other modules?

Watched the YOG opening ceremony last night. The performance was quite boring, to be honest, though the stage design was nice. The speech by the chairman of the organising comm was horrible; I couldn't help cringing whenever he paused and then the crowd would applaud. Oh man... But it made me want to go watch at least one of the matches. I mean, who knows how many years it would be when an event of this scale will return to Singapore again?

I've been pushing it to the back of my mind. Pushing and pushing. Wait till July, I tell myself. Wait till July when the system officially opens. And so I spent a month hiding from reality.

And now it's June.

How long do you think you can hide, tky?

I try to reassure myself. It probably doesn't matter if I get allocated unpopular projects, since I'm not interested in any of them anyway. I hope I'm right.

At times like this I'll chastise myself. You could have just graduated and get a job, why stay and suffer for one more year?

And then I remember the process of job searching is just as dreadful.

Oh well.

This is life.

Time seems to really fly when you're in uni. It passes so fast it really scares me. Like, omg, it's weekend again? Time for me to catch up on sleeping as well as the enormous pile of never-ending work. I MUST NOT watch youtube again. MUST NOT!

I hate Physical chem lab. The experiments are so unfamiliar and it's really unfair to people who didn't take Solid state last semester, i.e. me. I know nothing about surface tension, Bravais lattice, eutectic diagram and whatever crap. AND my viva is 2 weeks away. I heard it's darn tough. Grrr....

By the way I think I'm addicted to the Tap tap game. Hah

Was on Facebook just now... Miss Susan Ong (or Mrs Goh) finally accepted me as a friend! =) So I looked at her photos, and I saw Miss Ling (music teacher) and Miss Ong Theng Choo (my sec 1 and 2 form teacher). So nostalgic! Then I scanned through her list of friends, and saw more familiar names: Miss Chia Ai Ling, Miss Jessica Goh, Mr Tan Chuan Long, Miss Jasmine Lee, Mrs Ang Geok Hoon (CLDDS teacher), Miss Tan Huizhen (!).... It's quite touching to see that they added each other as friends... Wah really very 怀念... I miss secondary school days so much. 看到老师们很多位都变了好多。。。陈泉隆老师结婚了(heard he was married to the girl guide teacher..finally saw her face)，而且有小孩了！真的替他感到开心。记得以前华文课的时候，他老是说他的弟弟怎么催他结婚。。。there's some story about toothpaste that I can't really remember. And saw photos of Mrs Ang in York with her family. Then saw Miss Jessica Goh's profile picture with a kid beside her I assume that's her kid. *surprised* When I was still in RV， I really didn't think she looked like she was about to settle down. Oh well... 数一数我离开立化已经 2010-2004= *gasp* 六年了! OMG! It's been so long?! But I still feel deeply for the school, even though the old building no longer stands. The Pandan reservoir where we did the horrible 2.4km runs...I can see the reservoir from my 1B classroom and I remember we used to smell whiffs of chocolate... The many bus-stops... When I was in sec1 I took bus 176. Then after I moved house I took 51 and sometimes... is it 331? Can't remember. Anyway they cancelled the line by the time I was in Sec 3, then there was 143. And sometimes Ming Shu and I would walk to the bus-stop opposite the church to take 78/79. The canteen... Sadly non of the vendors will move to the new campus at Boon Lay. I get to eat cai fan on a good day. Charsiew rice from stall 5 ( I still remember the plate is red) if time is short. It was an eating competition that I always lose. But then again how can I possibly beat Ming Shu? Mostly we ate ham-and-cheese from stall 10, standing around the newspaper/public phone area.

The bookshop... the photocopy shop... the hall, the first place I went to on my first day of school, where I got struck by fate. Mass dance... I remembered my white pinafore got dirty that day... the second-floor linkway... Ming Shu and I copying Chemistry TYS solutions outside the General Office... The staff room with namelists of every class (i don't know where i placed my collection)...with a microphone outside to page for teachers... I'd paged for Miss Guo Lanhua so many times when I was Chinese rep... how the guys go “交剪报。。。”...lol...collecting paper from the recycle bin (>.<)... painting the 2B classroom... learning the “看我７２变” dance from Xueyi... Walking past the Maths board everyday... E. Lit Dramatisation... Going to 3D, and becoming antisocial... Why did I waste those 2 years during the most precious part of my life? Sigh... if only I could go back. Memorising chemistry during recess... I remembered we were outside the home econs room..but i can't rmb which chapter... Memorising C. Lit as we paced outside the auditorium... Hating community singing at that time..."It's my life"eww... and found myself liking those songs now. Why couldn't I have enjoyed it then? Liking the song "One in a Million"... Doing gardening duties... That horrible gym with that horrible Hawk... I still hate him, that's the only thing that hasn't changed one bit. Hah.

The Chinese Lab with the tiny storeroom for CLDDS... Watching “地久天长”　there and crying (in school!)...but Yue Jia was crying too... Listening to Jiang Li talk about C. Lit... Going off to the AVA room for Chinese lessons... Chemistry remedial lessons with 4A... Then Mrs Goh leaving and Miss Ivy Cheong taking over. Me breaking the delivery tube and yet she didn't scold me and even asked if I was hurt. Mr Chow Ban Hoe... I was soooo scared of him in the beginning. But I began doing well in his class and he didn't seem that scary after all... Mr Bryant Chew who sweats a lot... Mr Chiam Tat Wee... I heard Miss Esther Lee left already... Mdm Soh Kah Lay... Mr Chew Hwee Meng... Mdm Louise Mak... Miss Huang Qiuying (memorising 唐诗s during文史 lessons)... I wonder how many of these teachers are still in RV. I wonder why teachers in Singapore always leave. I wonder why schools in Singapore always get torn down/shifted. I wonder why in Taiwan they can return after 20 years and still find their former teacher when mine quit the year I graduated. Does Singapore have no history, or is its history constantly being rewritten? I wonder why we have no sense of belonging. Why, oh why?

I'm getting too emo... Can't believe I wrote such a LONG entry... Facebook always makes me emo... I should be doing my lab report!

Miss Susan Ong and Miss Ong Theng Choo are teaching in ACS International now...

Darn, if anyone reading this is thinking of visiting RV, drag me along, k?